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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598913">Sorrow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulu_bae/pseuds/Lulu_bae'>Lulu_bae</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family, Gen, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Sad Ending, Suicide, Tags Contain Spoilers, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya Hargreeves-centric</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:40:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598913</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulu_bae/pseuds/Lulu_bae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Before, Vanya didn't know what sorrow was.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Allison Hargreeves/Vanya Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves &amp; Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves/Vanya Hargreeves, Luther Hargreeves &amp; Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy &amp; Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves &amp; Everyone, Vanya Hargreeves &amp; Siblings, Vanya Hargreeves &amp; The Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sorrow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger warning: Implied suicide</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Before, Vanya didn't know what true sorrow was.</p><p><br/>To her, sorrow was all the lonely days spent alone. It was the screeching of the violin to fill the silence nobody else ever did. It was the numb and cold feeling she had with every white pill. It was the stubborn word, one that was the bane of her existence, her nemesis yet the only thing which could identify her: "ordinary'.</p><p><br/>Was she selfish? Yes. But all the memories replayed in her mind and she felt whatever arose was true grief. And after days and months which felt like years, she wanted peace.</p><p><br/>But she knew now.</p><p><br/>Sorrow was watching the her father figure, look far older than he was. It was him always going into her room, filled with a scent that was. Already fading and having tears fall from his eyes. It was watching his furry hand caress the wooden body and metal strings of the violin. It was seeing him collapse in sobs every single time he did so.</p><p><br/>It was watching your brother, the brave leader in his room wondering what exactly had gone wrong and what did he miss and why why why. It was watching him crumble to his own thoughts and imaginations with the knowledge he was helpless and useless to stop it. It was seeing him oh so  ever the coward look at a spot from the distance, unable to get any closer before running back to his room once more.</p><p><br/>It was watching the boy who you thought despised you the most, cry over you in his robot mother's arms. It was him looking at his knives a d thinking of every word he had said to you, remembering how people said that words can hurt more than knives, and thinking of the one that hit the final strike. It was him silently blaming himself . It was him kneeling in that spot, apologizing for each one, begging for forgiveness.</p><p><br/>It was seeing her once spontaneous sister break down in her room. It was seeing her rip off her posters and leave broken pieces of nail polish and magazines on the floor. It was seeing her cry at the spot she went to secretly. It was seeing her silently whisper to herself<em> "I heard a rumour..."</em> While knowing that her wish can never be made into reality.</p><p><br/>It was seeing her stoned brother, continuously hallucinating about her. It was him sobbing and his fragile heart breaking . It was seeing him throwing away all the stashes of weed he had, flushing them all down the toilet. It was seeing him shaking and crying at the withdrawal symptoms he had. It was seeing him weaning himself off the drugs and the booze, all done at the hopes of seeing her again.</p><p><br/>It was at seeing the quiet boy reading in his room, looking at the door every few minutes and at the slightest noise wondering if a pair of bangs and a pale face will peek through, asking for company or to read or to help or <em>anything</em> at all because he will do anything for her if she does. It was him keeping a stack of books reserved and untouched in a corner of his room, when asked why he'll say <em>"Those</em> <em>were her favorite.'</em> or <em>' She'll like these '</em>. It was him carrying one of them and  going to that particular spot, sitting on the tiny specks of grass growing there and reading out loud. It was the teardrops that parred the texts and pages as he did so.</p><p><br/>It was seeing him, the only light in the dark tunnel,  Her sole confidante, her favourite sibling (and maybe...could have been even more) spend some of his nights curling up on her bed with silent tears flowing out. It was seeing the proud boy fall into despair. It was seeing him, ever so meticulously wonder what he had missed and wonder why on earth he wasn't enough to make her stay. It was seeing him lash out at everybody else, continuously making them feel guilty while secretly laying in self blame and loathing. It was seeing him take out all the frustration, using it as fuel for his need to time travel. It was seeing him come to that same spot every single day and talk about time travel and everything else he could talk about, everything he used to say to her. It was him touching the engravings that lay there and telling her how much he missed her and how he was going to get her back. It was seeing him walk away while  uncharacteristically wiping his eyes from the tears which came forth.</p><p><br/>It was looking down at that same spot. The place Luther looks at from a distance, where Ben reads books out loud, where Allison cries, were Diego comes to apologize, where Five speaks to everyday. It was talking to that same place, telling the cold decaying body underneath it of all the things she had seen. It was telling it of Luther's self blame and Allison's unfulfilled rumors and Ben's reserved books. It was telling it of Klaus's withdrawal symptoms and Five's even more manic will to time travel. It was telling it of how Pogo left her room the same as before and always cleans and tunes her violin. It was telling it how stupid she was for doing this and that they do care and they miss her and she wants is to <em>come back</em>.</p><p><br/>Most of all, sorrow was staring at the ground where her dead body was buried under, and knowing that she couldn't comeback no matter how much she pleaded or begged. Because she got what she wanted, and some actions can't be taken back.</p><p><br/>When she was alive, Vanya didn't know what true sorrow was.</p><p><br/>But <em>oh</em>, she did now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I won't even lie. This was heavily inspired by the short movie 'The day after I killed myself' I watched on you tube. It's so angst and deep and I'll send the link to watching it later 😁.</p><p>WARNING: For those who haven't read the fic beware. Below are the spoilers. </p><p>And if y'all are not clear on the fic,  Vanya commited suicide and her spirit (or ghost so to speak) watched her family (minus good ol'Reggie) grieve. Seeing all of that, she wishes too come back to life and unkill herself.  Sadly, it's impossible and now she's in her own personal he'll so to speak.</p><p>I didn't want to explicitly described or write on suicide, but I left a trigger warning for those who may be affected.</p><p>I tried to put in a bit of Fiveya but it's kinda hard to see...<br/>Maybe if you squint tho...😶😶😶<br/>This was a very rushed work so I will definitely be revising and editing it soon.<br/>Ciao😁<br/>Luluvas</p></blockquote></div></div>
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